A First Responder's Journey to Recovery & Redemption
By: Scott Cothran
They say trauma and substance abuse go hand-in-hand. As a retired police Sergeant, I have had my fair share of both. But the reality is, long before I responded to my first gruesome car accident, the first completed suicide call, or my first brush with my own possible death – I was an alcoholic. From 21 years old to 37 years old, I saw it all. A 16-year career of responding to other people’s tragedies, compromising my own safety, and working grueling hours did not the alcoholic make. At twenty-one years of age, the memory of the young lady with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the right side of her head remains clear to me to this day at 46 years old. But again, the reality is my first drink at the age of just 12 years old plays a part just like she ever did.
For my story, I want to be clear that there is a beginning, a middle, but do not expect an ending. To say there is an ending with a pretty “sobriety bow,” gift wrapping all the whiskey and the double life I had to live to get it, would imply that I am cured. Or that I somehow “beat” alcoholism. I am fortunate to be here, with years of sobriety behind me to tell the part of my story that is a sure thing, and that, like life, can only be guaranteed by things in the past.
Growing up, and even through my adult years, I idolized my father for everything he did and the man he was. He was the reason I joined the police force. He was one of the reasons I pushed so hard as an officer. I had a personal goal of winning the awards he didn’t in my career, partly for my own pride, but mostly for his pride in me. My father was also the reason I had my first drink before I graduated adolescence.
The first time my father caught me drinking and driving, my heart fell into my stomach when I arrived home one night, trying to bypass him. That was the first time alcohol officially threatened my life. He told me to go to bed and that we would talk about it in the morning. The following morning, he looked at me and said, “don’t do it again.” The reality of what my father was didn’t fully set in until I was called to the hospital one day. Alcohol was killing him, and I had been so deep in my own drinking I wasn’t able to see it.
I hit rock bottom when I was at a conference getting an award for the largest Meth seizure in TN for 2014. It was 7:30 in the morning, and I was in a hotel room alone, pounding whiskey alone! What the F**K am I doing? What is wrong with me? I remembered before my father died, he begged me to stop and get help. So, 5 years after he died from drinking, I did. I called my Commander and told her I needed help.
Within one week, I was at treatment for alcoholism. I thought that if I could stop drinking, my life would instantly improve, and it did for a while. One thing that I have learned is that drinking was the solution to my problem. It was the way I got the memories to go away. It’s how I dealt with the awful thoughts I had.
On October 22nd, 2018, I went to a meeting. And I haven’t had a drink since. The road to recovery was introducing an entirely new set of challenges. Early sobriety was very hard on me. I was riddled with shame and guilt, and I felt lost. I was depressed and maintained zero self-worth.
Almost six years later, I retired from the police force, and my life is completely different, all in amazing ways. I still struggle with PTSD and work with a therapist while continuing to work on my AA program. I have found a new love in working inside of treatment, counseling other First Responders, and bringing them into treatment.
I have since met my soulmate. I have been remarried for a few years. I now have the life I have dreamed of. It's amazing to me what a life I was able to obtain once I let go of control.
Scott Cothran
First Responder Community Liaison
Retired Sgt. Metro Nashville Police Dept.
[email protected]
Magnolia Meadows Residential Treatment Facility provides Treatment exclusive for First Responders & Veterans battling Trauma, Mental Health Conditions and Co-Occurring Disorders, creating a healing atmosphere for recovery, and instill a confident hope that better days are ahead.
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